I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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