and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
