Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
