im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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