I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
