$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
