i can't believe i had my finger in that
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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