he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
