I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
