I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
