why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
