I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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