When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
