sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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