I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
