Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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