Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
At least life still wants to fuck me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
