he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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