In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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