the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
