I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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