well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
