your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
