why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
