Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
