Just fell off a train. Bad.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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