I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
