Sry I called you an 8
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
