there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
