Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
