Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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