made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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