Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
