We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
