i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
