just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
