so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
