Betty ford says i'm here all night
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
