Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
