I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
