she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
