The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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