Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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