I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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