Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
