Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
