all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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