There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
