Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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