I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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