well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
