Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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