I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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