i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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