some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
